"With a pull of a trigger I am painted onto your wall; A non-perfect picture for the world to see, and for you to molest in your silent lovely dreams "

goodbye

The wind breathes and feathers trace down my skin, gently lying to rest on the red stained ground. Your arms till wrapped around me my eyes lay open, as blood cascades onto you. Frozen in a place of silence; the gun barrel still rests against my back silently, and lovely… Time passes by and your arms begin to loosen. My metal coffin falls to my side sitting, waiting in the palm of your hand. My heart wearing thing I draw down your skin with my finger tips, first your arm and then into your occupied hand. Picking up the gun I look into your eyes as I speak my last words…”Three bullets, three chances, you role the dice to my life darling…”. Spinning the chamber I slide your index finger onto the trigger; wrap your hand around its neck and press the barrel against my head. “This heart kills with pain, as if it was replaced with a ticking clock to where every second is counting down…”

                My hand around your own I look into your eyes with a smile upon my face ‘Whisper, whisper, sing, sing your love is my bible, and I will die from every word.” The world around us begins to drown in tears of the 13^th broken angel, and in that second “We played god in a love game of Russian Roulette…”

                                                                                                                Illustrated on a brick wall,

                                                                                                                                Eva.

                                                                                                (That’s short for something)  

A friend wrote this to me today, it was really nice.

“You’re living in the way you’re choosing to. Your life is amazing, worth everything, because you’re living it. The things you do are beautiful because you’re doing them. The person you are and the person you’re becoming is breathtaking, because you’re becoming him.”

                “You don’t need to live up to anyone’s expectations expect your own. Stop beating yourself up and start being okay with whom you are, because you have nothing to be ashamed of.”

-Like a puzzle missing its pieces, I write my Chorus...and together we sing-

                Reunion

what do you think.. isn't it a beautiful band name? rate it! 1 - 10.

   To night, i will live in Heartbreak, January 18, 2005 this day, who i am will die. and i will start again, in a cycle that never ends.

   -Austin- -Sky- -Cloud- -Stanly- -Ducky- -Baby Tiger- -Austie- -Kitty-  and the list plays on and on...

   - Reunion -

It was so cold on the way over there, when walked into the drive way her mom pulled in behind me, she waved and smiled so happily, it made me feel so good. She invited me inside to see if Kadal was home,  as it turns out she wasn’t I guess that’s what I get for not calling. But I don’t know, I just had to go there, I just had to show up and try to make things right. She was at David’s again, but I guess sometime in this life he proved more worth than myself. And if that’s so then hell I’ll live with it. But either way I will always love her more than he ever did. Or ever will. Her parents smiled at me and talked so kindly, shared how they meet each other and came to be in their life now a days, we shared talks about my life and theirs about how long it’s been sense I’ve been there, about how the last time I was there all I did was move bags then had to leave. But either way I told them “ if that was the longest time I could’ve spent with your daughter then so be it, at least I got to see her.”  They offered me a ride home, sense it was so awfully cold outside, but I declined I thought that the talk and invitation into their house was good enough than to have me ask another favor. They invited me to dinner it was so fucking nice. I almost wanted to cry I missed it so much, “ it’s not much “ dad said, “ it’s just noodles and stuff “ it made me smile. We talked for a long time about how life happens and about how sometimes things happen for no reason. I had to leave having It be around 6:45 ish, and I knew it’d be colder later in the night and I had to walk home, so I figured it’d be smart to leave early, god I wanted to stay so bad I’ve never felt so in place than in her family. They told me “ Please come by, whenever you want to even if Caitlin isn’t here, just come by we have a computer big screen TV and games and stuff you can come in and do what ever you want to.” and then her mom said “ honestly, you can come even if it is just to talk, and don’t worry I’ll pass the message to Caitlin.” She walked up to me with a smile with on her face and wrapped her arms around me. God mom is so nice, then dad shook my hand and I tucked on my jacket and walked out the front door saying one last thing “ see now that you’ve said I can come over whenever I want, your gona be stuck with me heh. Thank you guys, please have a good night. “

I just wanted… to make things right… because somewhere inside of me, I’m hiding things to, but on the outside, I can’t help but show, and bleed to you, that I…. still love you.

A night worth speaking for.

Dear Caitlin Simons.

All this time, I’ve been nothing more than a lie. What is this to you? A simple game of chess, a plot of which you can just move a simple pawn to where ever you want it even if a sacrifice is the only option!? Yeah, I admit I’ve done wrong, but who are you to make me walk through hell for you again and again, and only be given the opportunity to come last? After everything I’ve done, how I sat there alone at night and tore myself apart over you,. I’m tired of saying “goodbye” I’m’ tried if hearing your fake “ I love you(s) “ and masks to put on a good show. Well this is my final act for you angel. This time I’m not pulling up the curtains, I’m tearing them down. I’ve done too much, for you to push me aside like a fucking toy. Not everyone can sit back and watch life drive by. Point a gun at my heart, tell me you’ll pull the trigger. Tell me that I’m the one who isn’t calling  “ Check mate “. You want to see the tears fall from my eyes again? Well fine. Damn it. Fine.

          Maybe you believe I’m some fucked up child, who’s in love with you. And you know what? Maybe your fucking right. I fell in love with you for a fucking reason, And that reason will never fade. The flower I hold I shall burn and count each petal as they fall to the ground, and whisper with each one. “ I am hate “ “ I am death “ “ I’m just a little pawn, in her game of chess. “ and understand that all this time I’ve been giving my emotions to you, you’ve done nothing more. Than regret, Regret talking to me, regret giving yourself to me. Regret loving me. Regret knowing me, and regret ever being in my life… well this time I’m not saying good-bye. This time, I’m saying silence… you can watch me fall apart, and enjoy it with every smile., but understand when I die. I’m not taking you with me..

A Talking time past 2. This time I’m the one saying I hate you too.

I’m the perfect shade of Hallow; this problem that I face lays within myself, and is expressed through the pain I give to you. I love it, giving you misery, giving you hurt, it’s some fucked up game as it amuses me to see you cry, and fall apart just so I can piece you back together like a puzzle that is missing the pieces. Why…? I have no idea. Just to see the destruction of my words and how they tear through you heart, pulling at every angel rearranging you into someone who in no way is “you”. If your life lays in my hands I will ruin you, I will dismantle what recognition you have with who you thought you ever were, and shape you into a perfect doll. One that has a single reason, A single purpose which in my warped eyes is me. I will show you exactly what it means to worship god, Because angel(s)…. My love will be your bible…

At the same time… I’m will be your Heaven; I will be your calling. I will make your life so unbelievable that you’ll realize that this must be a dream. I’m not perfect, but I would give my life trying what ever it took to make this life that we lead close to it. I would hold you unlike any other, kissing you like a silence of bleeding. I’d heal your wounds covering each one with the touch of a forsaken angel. I’d tear into your chest and re-write your Music Box of Emotions. Understand I’d make you wrap your eyes around me kindly, and dig deep into this beauty, to serve this cure; I’d love you with the emotion of a last day(s) goodbye. Such pain is given when we say good bye, as people we feel such emotions that tear us apart, even to a friend or just someone we meet. In this life; I’m tired of saying goodbye, because when you combine love and goodbye(s)… It doesn’t just tear you apart…. It kills you…

If you can accept that, and understand, that is nothing more then pure honesty… If you can still want to be by my side after seeing a brief segment of what I am. Then maybe you do understand the word “love”, and maybe somewhere out there…

…You are “The Someone just for me.” 

I'm going to be writing, something beautiful here soon. And mabye you'll all understand what i'm trying to say...

   Just be Patient. Please.

 Break me down, and Decompose my love into a casket... Alone i am Broken...

   -Reunion-

Fall apart inside your own requiem of rusted hearts, alone may you coincide with my blood and learn nothing about what it is to “live”. Take your finger and place it upon this metal wheel, pour the blackened liquid upon your body and spin the sparks while the flame begins to consume you. Burn away the scars of pain, Burn away your past; a replay of your life before your eyes will you miss me? Will you miss him? Will you Burn out your eyes, so you can never set a sight upon another soul again? When you die across this vas opening, will you notice one thing, that this world is nothing more than a endless graveyard of abuse? Smell your flesh melting away, That disgusting drug that seeps into your body and your hurt does nothing more than grow. Go ahead she says, go ahead… When your body loses stance and you fall to the ground, will you regret this action. Will you recall your love and remember what it is to be alive… no… will you push yourself up onto these burnt leggings, and find your way through nothing but darkness to the one that called you his own… no… Will reach out to nothing, and scream his name, Will you dig into your heart and call phoenix… no… Will you continue to lay in this dead silence and realize that your life is nothing more then a replay of broken hopes… in my eyes… yes…

Dead, Alone, And Living

                Reunion  

   Each day counts down, to a new beginning to our end. Will you stand aside and watch it fade away, or will you fight against this requiem of broken dreams and pull the trigger to my heart, and slowly watch me bleed to death my silent calls of how much I need you…

- Feel my left over love -

   Reunion

Standing before you eyes struck into your own, I run my fingers into your hair, and smile into such innocence. This winter night is so warm, yet so cold as snow builds on our clothes. I hold you against my chest and sub duce you with the sounds of my heart beating silently for you. Breathing in breath-by-breath I whisper to you, my head placed up upon yours. “ Here I go, screaming my heart out to you, hold on to me, one more time, as I gently fuck over what ever life you own, will you hold my hand? As I ruin everything you‘ve ever have had. Will you tear out my heart, and showcase it in glass, will you pull against my will just to make things right. Will you give up, just like everyone else…” tilting your head up, I move closer to your face, and finish my sentence “ or will you take this gun… and aim it straight for my heart… if you love me, pull the trigger with a smile…” the gun lays still in your left hand as you raise it to chest height. Placing the barrel in alignment with my heart facing in from my back, the cold metal blends and my heart begins to fade. Pulling against my chest you tighten your arms and stand upon my feet, raising your chest to my height you look up and say one last word “ I… do… love…” the sound of your last breath runs in my ears as the cocking of the gun is heard in full silence and my last heartbeat understands one thing… “You… “     

…A disrupt in silence is heard, and one sound echoes in our minds…

I really thought she cared…

              I really believed maybe, Things were different…

But even if I view life in a way of no worries, and no reason…

              I’m still the one, who’s wrong…

Maybe this way, when I fall to my knee’s you’ll see something…

              Maybe this time when I’m bleeding my heart out to you, you’ll see…

That even in this in-perfect body…

              I fucking miss you, and you…could care less…

Thank you…

...I miss you all. Life is so stange these days. hitting 11 months? isn't that great. yeah thought so. it's getting colder outsdie tonight. i miss the embrace of your warm arms. your not here to hold me anymore, so may the season call upon our memories. i love the sound of how the chords ring out, how each note is different. i adore it. some times i wish people were that way. but, wishes are wishes. and most of the time not granted. i wish i was naturaly beautiful... it'd make me happy. cause she'd be happier with me. o well. time comes. people change. mabye a year will never be able to hide the pain bewteen you and i. mabye the snow can't heal our wounds. but either way, i'm still standing. it's happening. isn't it?. i hope Allyson Marie Parhm is all better and good beacuse of her whole "issue" thing. mabye the rain will let her sleep for one night. as for me. i'm still dying, just as peacefully... sigh. how i wish i could turn the clock to my will... won't you hold my hand, until the end of everything. i'm not alone this time. i can't be. drama queen? sure. that's fine with me. i don't mind... just hold on. pealse we all bleed the same way. we all will die someday. but please hold on. for me, and for her...

watch and learn. as i pull my heart out, and hand it over on a silver platter.

Run everyone, run.

-Envy-

Anonymous people: are fun. smile.

-Envy-

In God’s name, I beg of you my Angels, please I’m falling apart, take away these temptations, take away all these lies. This life isn’t me, the words inscribed into my skin, these screams held in by innocence. Hold my hand, grant me pain, take what you wish, everything but Vanity. She is my reason to why I am still alive. I love her to much to continue fucking over my life, and destroying over my own life, And by side destroying our life together. We have fought for to much, we have died at least twice, and here I am typing to you on this industrial machine hoping you’ll hear me. Together… make me bleed, make me scream in despise for my sin’s, make me cry in nightmare, and even if you must… for exchange in our equal trade for the well being and life of my Vanity, you may… take my life… in return for everything I’ve committed towards hell.

I will die right here…

And not shed a tear..

As long as you.

Save her

.In the words of Christians.

“Amen”

   Your hands cupped together in mine; against this cold soft sheet of snow; the rain begins to pour down harder and violently as you run your lips across my face and stare into my once despised eyes. Placing your left ear above my heart the once beating sound is silenced by footsteps in the distance. Turning your head your eyes are scorned by the presence of the one’s left standing. Sliding you off of my chest I stand before you and spread my arms wide “Stay the fuck away! “ I screamed “You’re not going to take my Life away. I’m not going to let you ….Not again… Not like last time.” Digging my foot into the ground I stare into her eyes and await her answer. Her torn apart body bleeding from limb to limb, eyes blood shot, and a thread sown through her lips silencing her voice of treason. “Damn it.” I say tilting my head towards the ground. “Damn it. Why can’t you just leave me alone! Why can’t you just leave our love to rest. Let this third broken heartbreak be forgiven and fucking move on. Can’t you see what it’s doing to us. Can’t you see how it’s tearing us apart? This isn’t worth it. Pain, Love, Lust, Hate, Life, Death What is it worth!? What is all of this love game worth?” tears now streaming from my eyes. “Just leave me alone… Please… I’m tired. My heart is broken. My life is falling apart with you by it’s side. And this is all I need to say. You are my Third broken down heat break. You are my third last hope. You are my third relapse. You are my third new beginning to an end. You are my third love. You are my third lust, but also. You… are my third… A sharp pain is felt through my chest and the eyes of her own stand black centimeters before me. “…Hate…” she whispers as her hand lays through my beck holding my heart in one hand. “ You’re fucking hate! “She screams, “and all you did all you fucking did was… “. “…Love…you…” I whispered with what left sanity I had in my body as my last tear drop fell from my eyes.

   Falling to the ground you catch me in your arms. Blood running down your wrists you hold this empty corpse against you chest. “ … “Silence and yet you stare so lost for words that you own heart begins to stop. My vision blackening as the pictures flash before me one by one. My rosary held in your right hand is the last sight that I see. And the last sound is the scream of your voice. Opening my eyes to a world of white; the leafs fall around me and the snow falls upon me. Everything painted in white an angel stands before me. Kneeling down she puts her hand upon my face. Everything laying in silence her golden eyes stare into mine as she whispers. “…She needs you…” with a voice as calming as a heartbeat. “…You can’t die yet. She can’t survive without you… “ Moving her face towards my own her lips inches away eyes staring straight through me, her touch so soft yet so warm, and with these cold breaths, cold silences she speaks “ I love…”. The world around me changes and my eyes awake to the scream of your voice “ You!...” “ I fucking love you, you can’t die, you just fucking can’t! “ you yell across this half broken air, looking down your hand embedded in my chest along with my rosary beads that trace along my skin, I run my hand along this wet ground and wrap my fingers around you wrists. Looking behind you my heart still hangs bleeding in her hand. A gasp in your voice and a silence of words is presented as I push my self up and stare into your bloodshot eyes. “…ba…baby…?” you ask with a skitter in your voice. Without a word spoken I run my fingers along your hair and pull your lips against my own.

   The ground around us lighting, and the rain above us turns to snow. Pulling your hand from my bloody heartbreak, feathers sprout from my back, tearing through my skin the blood sends into the air, and you stare as you know what I am. Digging my fingertips into the cold ground I scream into this stained air, and look into her eyes. Pushing myself to my feet I stumble forward you supporting me in your arms, breathing heavily “ It’s ok angel, I’ll make it through this… I always do…”; “ Rain, understand something before what life goes to waste, that you may have torn apart my heart, ruined my emotions, made me scream, made me cry, and made me bleed, but even now you there with my heart in your hand bleeding my love down your skin… I’m still standing, and I’m standing because she, My Sin Angel took in what no one else wanted, what everyone else threw away, took in this broken dream, this broken third child, this angel that was left alone bleeding to death on your grave stone, and opened my eyes as she rebuilt my hate stained heart, and showed me what love really is, and I will be damned if you ever tear me from her bearing!”

   Her eyes bleeding tears, she falls to her knees. Kneeling down infront of you lays a world of white, the leafs fall around you and the snow falls upon your face. Everything painted in white I stand before you. Placing my hand upon your face. Everything laying in silence my golden eyes stare into your own as I whisper. “…open your eyes…” with a voice as calming as a heartbeat. “…You need to let go, because rain, I will never be coming home… “ Moving my face towards your own my lips inches away eyes staring straight through you, my touch so soft yet so warm, and with these cold breaths, cold silences I speak “ and this is my sign out letter, “ good bye “.

   Standing to my feet I turn my back towards her, and stare into my angel’s eyes scooping you into my arms I speak to you with a smile upon my face “ come on baby, lets go…” “…let’s go home… “. Resting you head against my chest to listen to my heart beat quietly you whisper “ angel, in my arms, in my heart, in my love… you are already home…”

A First Truth.

   A second life.

      And a third Ending to my beginning

-Envy-

- Envy -